Recap: The Bachelorette Episodes 5 and 6

FINALLY, Lee is gone. But holy hell, was it a long and dangerous process to get him off the show.

This week’s episode starts off by wrapping up last week’s group date. Kenny asks Lee to come outside with him, so he can rightly confront Lee about telling Rachel that he was “aggressive.” Obviously, this does not go well and immediately turns into Lee gaslighting Kenny, claiming he’s just being honest. Lee asks, why does being called aggressive bother Kenny so much – it’s just a word. Will comes outside and asks Lee to consider the racist implications behind characterizing Kenny as violent and aggressive. Unfortunately, but unsurprisingly, Lee takes this opportunity to claim that Lee and Will are playing “the race card.” No, Lee, you’re just a flaming pile of shit.

Rachel awards the group date rose to Bryan the Sexy Chiropractor. I don’t really know why, other than the fact that he’s incredibly good-looking and scary-charming. Honestly, I guess that’s a reason enough when she has people like Lee and the Tickle Monster to choose from.

Kenny congratulates Bryan and takes this opportunity to shade the hell out of Lee, saying he likes the fact that Bryan is succeeding in the competition without tearing down other guys. Kenny goes onto lean in to Lee and whisper, “I’ll whisper it: Lee, you’re a bitch! No aggression in that.” Whoa! I love Kenny.

Jack Stone gets a one-on-one date. Remember him? He’s the one with the crazy eyes, who seems like he could go on a murderous rampage at any moment? Yes! That one. Okay, so Jack Stone and Rachel shuck some oysters and dance in a barn. This is standard, bare-minimum first date stuff and Jack Stone couldn’t have made the situation any more awkward if he tried. This boy wouldn’t shut up about Rachel’s dad! What are you doing, Jack?! That isn’t sexy! This is only made worse when the two sit down for dinner and Rachel asks what he would do if he could spend the day with her in their mutual hometown, Dallas. Jack says he would lock the door and lay on the bed with her, so they could “talk.” Sure, maybe if “talk” was code for feasting on human flesh. Do I even have to say that Rachel sends him home?

Rachel goes back to the mansion and calls off the cocktail party. She’s made up her mind about who’s going home. She opts to keep Peter (of course, because he’s going to win this thing!), Will, Adam, Eric, Alex, Josiah, Kenny, Matt, Anthony, and – somehow – Lee.

The Tickle Monster and Iggy get sent home. This is a small victory. The Tickle Monster was super creepy right from the jump and Iggy seemed like he’d internalized all of that red-pill, “friend-zone,” beta-rhetoric nonsense on Reddit.

Is it customary for The Bachelorette to go international? For some reason, Rachel and the guys go to Norway. Rachel does her best at selling Oslo as the perfect spot for a romantic getaway in the confessional. Yes, Rachel, Scandinavia is my first thought when I think of romance. It’s totally not Paris or Venice or literally anywhere tropical.

Anyway, Bryan gets the first one-on-one. He and Rachel go ski jumping and make out in the sky. Whoa. Bryan is so hot. I trust him a little more than I did before, but that only makes me even more suspicious of him. There’s no way someone could be this good-looking, charming, and genuine. Something must be wrong with him.

“I’m gonna use my hands. I’m gonna get real handsy,” Peter declares before the group date. Swoon. The guys are playing handball and Peter abandons the game completely to pick up Rachel. This strategy pays off for Peter – at the cocktail party, he and Rachel hop in the hot tub for a heavy-duty make out session. Somehow, Rachel awards the group date rose to Will.

Next, Rachel heads off on a two-on-one date with Lee and Kenny because the producers of this show are cruel and prioritize ratings over the safety of their stars. Kenny is a sweetie and takes this as an opportunity to talk to Rachel about his daughter. Lee, on the other hand, fabricates a story about Kenny trying to drag him out of a van. Poor Rachel pulls Kenny aside to tell him what Lee said. Kenny tells her Lee is a liar and Rachel decides to sit both men down. She says that it’s important for her to trust her partner and she doesn’t trust Lee. LEE GETS SENT HOME. THANK GOD.

Before I move on forever, never to mention Lee again – can I just say his hair looks like a poor imitation of Cameron Diaz’s in There’s Something About Mary? Yes, that hair.

However, Rachel is still apprehensive about Kenny. The two walk off hand-in-hand to the helicopter. Once Rachel sits down, Kenny says he has to go back and say something to Lee. Rightly, Rachel is annoyed by this. There’s no way this looks like anything other than Kenny prioritizing his masculinity and male ego over her. Though, I do understand why Kenny might want to talk to Lee. Lee has antagonized him for the past few weeks and I’d imagine there’s a certain level of catharsis in calling out someone who has tried to characterize you as a racial stereotype.

When Kenny gets back in the helicopter, she is visibly annoyed. After asking Kenny more about his temperament over dinner, Rachel decides she trusts Kenny and awards him a rose. Oh yeah, Kenny FaceTimes his daughter at some point in between all of this, so it’s no shocker when he opts to go home before the end of this episode.

Rose Ceremony! Rachel sends home JOSIAH AND ANTHONY. I WAS ACTUALLY SHOCKED. Sure, Josiah was getting way too cocky for my liking over the past two weeks, but wow. And Anthony was great! Far better than Adam, who brought a fucking doll with him. Josiah and Anthony get sent home, but Adam remains. How the hell can Rachel see herself marrying Adam over either Josiah or Anthony? Does she really want to deal with Adam Jr. for the rest of her life? I’m so confused.

Eric can finally stop whining: he gets his one-on-one with Rachel. The two head to Denmark and Rachel talks about Hamlet. For the second week in a row, this show panders directly to the English major in me (see: last week’s Spelling Bee). Eric opens up to Rachel about his fractured relationship with his mother and admits he has trouble getting close to women because of it. But! He thinks he could really fall for Rachel. Cute.

They go on yet another group date. And it’s pretty wack – the guys have to dress up as Vikings and fight. Peter and Bryan manage to still look hot, in spite of this. Kenny and Adam strike each other’s eyebrows during some weird Viking game and then start bleeding. This is the lamest injury ever. What’s even lamer, though, is the two of them trying to walk it off when it’s pretty apparent they need stitches. Whatever.

Kenny is overwhelmed by how much he misses his daughter and decides to go home. Rachel gives him a thoughtful goodbye and sends him on his way. I just feel bad that Kenny had to endure this nonsense with Lee, only to go home almost immediately after.

Rachel and Will go on a one-on-one, after Will awkwardly admitted to some of other guys that he has primarily dated white women before the show. The date is terribly boring. Will doesn’t express any real affection toward Rachel throughout the date. Rachel is understandably uncomfortable when Will admits to her that he’s mostly dated white women. He blames this on the way he grew up. Rachel says she comes from a similar background, but that most of the people she has dated were people of color. Needless to say, Will gets sent home.

Time for another bloody rose ceremony. Rachel starts off the night by quoting Hamlet – “To thine own self be true.” This makes me sound like a complete snob, but I hate when people use this quote in real life since it’s said by Polonius, the most obnoxious character in the play, whose whole thing was that he gave out meaningless advice! Anyways.

Rachel sends home Alex! Alex, who was basically a puppy if a puppy could be a hot, funny Russian guy! Alex was definitely not going to win, but he provided a certain levity to the show that I’ll miss and he had way more personality than most of the contestants. Fucking Matt is still here, whoever the hell that is! Matt has done absolutely nothing during his time on the show. He’s basically just being flown around the world and given a bunch of booze on ABC’s dime.

Until next week, Bachelor Nation.

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