Recap: The Bachelorette Episode 7

In the most boring episode of the season so far, Rachel and the contestants head to Geneva, which this Ivy League student was surprised to find out is not the name of the fake country in The Princess Diaries.

We’re down to just six guys – Adam, Matt, Eric, Bryan, Dean, and Peter – so the whacky, Whaboom moments of previous episodes are dead and gone and Rachel is getting serious about trying to find a husband. Which means that there’s no rose ceremony this week, just three one-on-one dates and one group date.

First up is Bryan, who definitely gets the best deal out of the three solo dates. Rachel lets him know that they are going to be enjoying some serious luxury today. She follows through by bringing him to Breitling, so the two of them can pick out watches that I’m sure cost the equivalent of the starting rate for a (live) human infant on the dark web. Bryan is really pumped about his new watch and opts to celebrating by macking on Rachel in front of the watchmaker. And he goes in, pushing her back against the chair she’s sitting in. Totally normal and not at all awkward! Don’t you and your boyfriend make out in jewelry shops while a camera crew captures the whole thing? Me, too.

After snogging in the watch shop, Bryan and Rachel go to dinner, where he admits that his last girlfriend broke up with him because she didn’t get along with his mother. Yikes. I’m sure this is going to be a whooole thing next week during Hometowns. Rachel ignores this and gives Bryan a rose. Naturally, they make out while being serenading by violinists. Gag me.

Back at the house, the guys attempt to highlight the flaws with our super-suave chiropractor. Dean says it best: “He’s a 37-year-old man, lives in Miami, spent the last eighteen-plus-years of his life swooning and sweet-talking women on a regular basis, to the point where he’s gotten good at it.” THIS IS EXACTLY WHY BRYAN MAKES RACHEL AND ME NERVOUS. But it’s also exactly why he’s still on the show – if Bryan turns out to be genuine, he’s the perfect man.

For the next date, Rachel and Dean head to church. Hot! Nothing sexier than watching an old man in some fancy robes swing smoke around and chant about how a dude was nailed to a cross so we wouldn’t spend all of eternity in the fiery pits of hell! Nobody does foreplay like The Bachelorette.

Things are going okay – Dean and Rachel are laughing a lot, yada yada. But Rachel wants the conversation to go deeper and Dean rejects this, instead telling her she’s pretty and bringing up dinosaurs. Rachel presses him and Dean reveals that, as the prospect of next week’s hometown visits loom, he’s feeling anxious about introducing Rachel to his family. After Dean’s mother died, his family collapsed. Dean’s father failed to pick up the slack and, instead, became more “eccentric.” I don’t know what that means yet, but I’m sure all will be revealed next week. Dean gets a rose.

Thank God – Peter gets the third one-on-one date. This date consists of a helicopter trip to the alps. My best friend and I have a theory that Rachel has an aircraft kink because it seems like she spends every other date in the sky. Anyway, they sit on the top of the alps and chat about how hard this process is. Peter tells Rachel something that is “hard to hear” – he has considered leaving the show because he has to spend so much time away from her. He reassures her that he is always happy that he stayed whenever the two of them do get the chance to be alone. Rachel is understanding, but she’s nervous about how serious Peter is about getting married. He nabs the rose anyway.

I feel confident Peter is going to win. I think this nonsense about him possibly being commitment-phobic is just something the producers conjured up for ratings.

Eric, Adam, and Matt go on the group date. In case you need a reminder, Eric is the one that has spent the majority of his time on the show complaining about not spending enough time with Rachel, Adam brought the creepy doll, and Matt…exists?

The four of them boat to France. Okay. Maybe Matt had a lot of off-screen time with Rachel? I guess his scenes with her were really normal, but not too romantic (i.e. bad television) so they were edited out? That’s the only explanation because Rachel sobs as she sends Matt home. I can’t tell you anything about this man and Rachel bawls that, out of all the contestants, he’s the one who reminders her the most of herself. What?

As nondescript as Matt was, he has the best moment of the episode. Remember in last week’s recap when I said that Matt was just doing this to get ABC to pay for his alcohol? He proved me right by bringing his champagne into his limo home! Yes. He also seems like a sweet guy, saying he hopes Rachel finds what she’s looking for.

Rachel has dinner with Adam and Eric. I never thought I’d say this, but I wish Adam had brought his doll to dinner, just to liven things up a bit. Eric discusses his rough childhood and how he tries to be good to everyone he meets. So, unlike his competitor, he displays some kind of personality. Rachel sends Adam home and gives Eric the rose.

Instead of being classy like Matt, Adam gets in the limo and says he thinks Rachel is making a mistake. Apparently, it’s too difficult to just trust that a woman can make the best decisions for herself. Good riddance, Adam.

See you for hometowns, Bachelor Nation! I’m sure it’ll get messy.